28 Dates Later
A short story about dating at the end of the world…
The following is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real-life zombie apocalypses are purely coincidental. I promise.
You’d have thought, the world as we know it having ended and all, that finding a date would take a back seat to general survival. Tragically, despite having lived through the aforementioned apocalypse, losing your virginity is still just as important. In fact, just about everything about high school at the end of the world is the same as before apart from the fact that the textbooks are out of date and the building is fighting for floor space with foliage.
Considering my old high school, I suppose there really isn’t much of a difference. “Dude,” shouted Gary, the taller, considerably more handsome version of myself I call my brother, “me, you and twenty-eight hot chicks tonight.” He paused, studying my reaction. I was confused. “Speed dating!”
His mouth rolled into a smile. I sighed so audibly you could almost see the world sigh form in front of my face. Dating was redundant and annoying before all the zombies and, spoiler alert, it’s no better now. Unfortunately, there literally wasn’t anything better to do so along I went to speed dating. “Lawrence,” I began, apathetic, “but people just call me Larry.” Time dragged on forever like the longest noose ever being slowly lowered around my neck. Finally, the bell mercifully rang and it was onto the next lucky lady.
“Larry,” I said as we shook hands. She smiled and suddenly I wasn’t so apathetic. In fact, I was something different entirely. I could see something, clouded and uncertain, in the distance, close enough to touch. I could instantly see our future together. Me and person whose name I did not yet know. We’d be a traditional family, you know, two children, as a white a picket fence as we could salvage. Ah, I can just see it now, the four of us throwing coins at the zombies on the other side of the wall. Running salvage missions into the city in search of canned ham for Christmas dinner. The perfect life.
“Ramona,” she said.
Will you marry me? I thought.
“I’m not going to lie, I thought this whole dating thing would, like, die out or something after the zombies and stuff.”
Her voice was like music.
“We’ve got to repopulate the world I guess,” I laughed awkwardly as the words tripped and fell out of my mouth. I can’t believe I said that I’ve ruined everything. “It’s our civic duty,” she replied.
We have so much in common.
“I play guitar!” I exclaimed, my mouth now running point despite protests from my brain. Her beautiful brown eyes lit up.
“You have a guitar?” she asked.
“No,” I replied.
I literally have no idea what I’m doing.
“Shame, I really like music,” she added.
“Oh yeah, like what?”
Before I could finish the question the goddamn stupid asshole shaped fucking bell rang and people began to stand from their chairs.
“Guess our time’s up,” she said.
“Yeah, can we, uh, you know…”
“Well, I would say you could have my number,” she smiled.
“Hey, buddy, it’s my turn now,” said a voice from my left.
“Yeah, I’m having a moment here pal,” I regrettably replied.
Suddenly I felt the largest of hands on my shoulders and I could see a vision of myself on the floor cradling my newly crowned black eye.
“What did you say?” the burly bastard behind me asked.
“Nothing…” I threw myself from the chair and walked away, hands deep in my pockets. Well, I just blew it, any shred of cool I had was now a crumpled pile of ash on the floor. I just tumbled and rolled, apathetic once more, through the rest of the evening constantly trying to look for Ramona across the room hoping that the guys she was talking to were even slightly more awkward than I was. Not much room for us pasty nerds at the end of the earth, you know. And so the evening drew to an unsuccessful close with a final twenty-eighth date with a girl named Andi, who I’m sure was lovely but didn’t quite have what Ramona had. Whatever that was.
“Dude, I need the shack tonight,” said Gary, “I’m totally in there with this beautiful woman named Linda from Vault 13.”
I sighed and watched the word form in front of my face wishing it would just bump annoyingly into Gary’s forehead literally knocking some sense into him.
“Can’t you just go back to her place?” I retorted.
“She lives next to the wall bro, and you know the sound of the walkers throws me off my game.”
I protested for a moment but Gary got the shack. Gary always got the shack.
While I waited, I wandered around in the darkness looking up at the stars like they used to in movies. I miss movies. Tom Cruise was one of the first to turn, you know. A fan bit him when he was on Oprah.
“Still want to know what music I like?” asked a voice from behind me.
I turned and saw Ramona, smiling a gentle smile. A girl from school once told me she wouldn’t date me even if I was the last man on earth. Well, Mindy from tenth grade, I’m almost the last man on earth now and I seem to have found myself a date.